Find an Excellent Wife

“¹⁰An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.”

— Proverbs 31:10 (ESV)

A bit challenging for sure to find an excellent wife. How can we know?

Finding an excellent wife is something that all of us are wanting. I know that I found one in Lori. As you look further into verses 10-31 of Proverbs 31, we see the qualities that make an excellent wife and Lori fulfills them.

You see it is about devotion to the LORD and to the husband and the household that make her excellent. Not that she is the crown jewel of physical beauty to others in the community. It is not that everyone sees her and some trophy at my side. It is not that she is at the forefront of every event or organization. It is simply her devotion to God, family, and home. Lori is all of those things and I tell people all the time that I am spoiled by her and having her as my wife.

We find our excellent wife by looking in the right places to start. We can find her in the house of the LORD. We can find her following in the patterns of her mother. We can find her actions as she is growing up. She is out there waiting for us, we only have to go looking for her.

I remember hearing growing up that I was the kind of man to marry, not to date. I was thoughtful and caring and measured. Not exciting or risky. I see the excellent wife as having similar qualities. She is the one who puts others before herself. She is more concerned with consistency and contentment than the thrill of what could be. She has beauty, beauty found in her love and care and devotion. These are the things of the excellent wife and when you look at the verses of Proverbs 31 this is what you will find.

Finding an excellent wife is not hard, it is just something that we have to seek. It is easy to look for a wife, but it takes patience, determination, conviction to find the excellent wife. We have to know where to look and what to look for and not just see what is on the outside. We can find the excellent wife when we look where God directs.

What is an excellent wife to you? Are you looking for the physical trophy wife to hang on your arm? What if you were to find the excellent wife that God has for you, the one who is caring and measured and is devoted to Him, you, and the household?

Find a Wife, It is Good

Of course finding a wife is good. Lori and I have been married for 29 years and I would not have it any other way. But what and why is it good has to be explored.

“²²He who finds a wife finds a good thing

and obtains favor from the Lord.”

— Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Here we see it in Proverbs. Being married to your wife is a good thing and God looks down on the relationship smiling. But why is God smiling? Because He made things this way.

“¹⁸Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit fore him.’” – Genesis 2:18 (ESV)

God recognized that man should not be alone. He should have a companion, a helper, a wife, to get along in this world. So, God made woman. But, He did not make her like every other beast of the earth. He made her from a part of man. She was created and brought specifically to man to be his companion, helper, wife to get along in this world.

“²¹So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. ²²And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.” – Genesis 2:21-22 (ESV)

God brought woman to man and consecrated the first marriage. And He smiled at what He had done.

Let’s go back to man finding a wife and it being good. You see, God created the first marriage between man and woman. He knew we needed a companion, a helper, a wife to get along in this world and so He made it happen. When we are out there in this world alone, we are missing out. We are meant to be with our wife. We are meant to find our companion. We are meant to find our helper. We are meant to find our wife to get along in this world and God knows it is good and will be smiling on the relationship.

I am blessed to have Lori in my life. I am blessed to have her to love. I am blessed to have her as my companion. I could not make it without her as my helper. I love her for who she is and who she is to me. I found my forever wife and God is looking down on us with favor.

What is your view of finding your wife? Are you seeing her as just something that is done? What if you see her as God’s purposeful good companion, helper, and wife to get along in this world?

Husband of One Wife

“²Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.” – 1 Timothy 3:2-3 (ESV)

Here we go. There is debate on the views expressed here with regard to the “one wife” requirement. Where the rest of the requirements are pretty clear and decisive, that one can and is a bit confusing. After looking into it through the commentary in my ESV Bible, I see that there are a few different views. (1) Not unfaithful in marriage, (2) not a polygamist, and (3) never had more than one wife. All of these are certainly views that could be referenced in some context, but one thing holds true that I see, only “one wife” at a time.

It is not lost on my about the context of the verses being surrounding the “overseer” of the church. But I would state that regardless of the position of the man, the characteristics are those that are good and right for the Christian man, and the role of husband from God and we should adhere to that role.

“²⁴Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24 (ESV)

See that the first marriage of Adam and Eve was between the man and woman. See the word “wife” and notice that it is singular and that they become “one flesh”. Out of the two of them, they become one. Not out of the multiples, but distinctly the two of them. Therefore, it is only “one wife” as noted by Paul in his letter to Timothy. We should not look at this as a quality to be an “overseer” of the Church, but as a follower of Christ and a good man and husband.

The debate as to what is meant by “husband of one wife” is just that, a debate. The thing we should remember is that we are devoted to our wife and be with her fully and completely as Christ does with the Church. We are not to be distracted by multiple things at once. We are to focus on the one who completes us as one flesh and be devoted to her only. We are to be the “husband of one wife”.

What does “husband of one wife” look like to you? Are you with the one in front of you at the moment? What if you were to devote yourself to the one who completes you as one flesh so as not to be distracted by others and can love her to the fullest as Christ does with the Church?

Husband, be Worthy of Respect

“³³However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)

There are a few things in the above verse to point out. First, husbands are to love their wives. Second, wives are to respect their husbands. Third, and not really stated, husbands are to be worthy of respect. I know, it may not say that third one in the verse itself, but it is certainly implied. If not in the verse itself, throughout the passage of Ephesians 5:22-33 titled in my ESV Bible, “Wives and Husbands”.

God has a plan and role for each of us. And in marriage, the role of the wife and the husband is defined. And where those roles are defined, those roles do not give edicts of demand. The role of husband and wife are to be in the spirit and example of Christ. I am the head of my wife and house, but as the example of Christ who loves and protects her as Christ does the church. My wife is to submit to me, but as the example of the church to Christ and look for love and protection from me as it does from Christ.

Here is where I see the third one from above. I am to love and cherish and protect my wife even to death if that be the case. I am to demonstrate my love for her and she should know if it all at all times. I am to provide for her and our home. In return, my wife should submit to my authority in her life and the life of our house and home. She is to respect me, yes because it is said and defined in the role, but also because she sees that I have done my part in my role and am worthy of her respect. She sees that I provide for her. She sees that I protect her. She sees that I love her. She sees that I love her and in return she submits and respects me knowing that she needs only to love God and seek his provision and that she will receive that from me as her husband.

Husbands, be the man of God you were meant to be and be worthy of respect from your wife.

What is your view of respect from your wife? Have you or do you earn it? What if it is not about earning it but more about being worthy of it through your actions of love, provision, and protection for your wife?

Husband, Be Head of Wife and House

Yes, husbands are to be the head of his wife and of the house.

“²³For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” – Ephesians 5:23 (ESV)

I know that in today’s society, it may be controversial to think this way. There is a belief that everyone should be ruler over their own selves. Individuality has infiltrated the home and there is no allegiance to the ruler of the house and everyone feels they should stand on their own.

The things is that if you are standing fully on your own, you are alone. We were meant to be one flesh with the other. Each in the marriage has a role and each are vital to the health and well being of the marriage. When we are individuals then we miss out of the joys of the marriage and the relationship that is meant to be. You see we cannot be devoted to our spouse if we are focused on ourselves.

“²⁵Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” – Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)

Husbands, we are called to be the head of our wives and our house. We are the leaders in both respects. We are called to give our all to our wives, not just part of us. We give ourselves up for them. We are not taking away the individual that is our wife, we are giving her a space to thrive where she is. We are loving her and giving her a place to not have to worry with what and how to do. We are giving her the opportunity to be safe and be loved and be all that she was meant to be, wife and mother and teacher and caregiver. We take away the burden of provider and protector. We are the leaders of our family and our house.

I believe that part of the problem in our world today is that husbands are absent from their roles. We have become complacent allow our wives to take on too much of the work. We exist to just be a figure in the marriage and not the leader of it. We are not the head of our wives and houses, we are members of the marriage and house. We are just another person in the family and hold no real value.

I know that in my house, Lori is my wife and mom to the boys and daughter to her mother and daughter in law to my mother. But she is also a teacher in the school. For 20 years she was mom to the boys and wife top me. She worked outside the home as a teacher (the next best thing to being a stay at home mom by the way). Now that the boys are out of the house, she has taken on additional roles that give her joy. But, even as she has expanded herself outside the home, she is still my wife and mom to the boys and will do any and everything to ensure that role is first in all that she does.

As her husband, I too have a role in the house and it is up to me to be in that role. I am her to provide and protect her. I am her to lead her and love her. I am here to be the one she turns to when they are not as she expects or believes them to be. I am her other half. I am head of the house and more importantly head of my wife.

What is your role as husband? Are you there as a figure only? What if you were to embrace the fact that you are provider, protector, and head of your wife and house?

Betrothed to Christ

“²For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 11:2 (ESV)

I am the husband of one wife, Lori. She is mine and I am hers. Together we are walking this world as one. But, I/we are betrothed to another, CHRIST! Paul, in the above verse indicates that we, as the church are to be wed with Christ. He is our husband to be. What does that mean to me/us?

If the betrothal process, the father gives the daughter over to the would be husband and does so with some guarantees. There is the guarantee of devotion to the husband. There is guarantee of dowry to the husband. There is guarantee of purity to the husband. All of these are expected as part of the marriage process.

Now think of Paul’s betrothal of us as the wife of Christ. Paul has given over the church as devoted to Christ. He has promised over the gifts of the church to Christ and His work. And there is the expected purity of the church to the Christ and Christ alone. Just as the actual wife to husband, these are all expectations and come with a great deal of responsibility.

Devotion is to the one and one only. Giving of all of ourselves to Christ and putting aside all other allegiances for the name of Christ. Gifts are given in the name of Christ to ensure that His work can continue in this world. As much as we may dislike the idea, there are needs for the monetary in the carrying out of spreading the gospel. Purity is expected in that we give ourselves to Christ and are washed clean thanks to His offer of salvation. He gets all of us in our new selves to shape into that which is/will be for Him and Him alone.

There you have it, our betrothal to Christ. We are to be devoted to Him, provide gifts to Him for the work needed in this world, and we are to be pure, washed clean for Him.

As you read further in the passage of 2 Corinthians 11:1-15, we see some of the obstacles that will befall us in this world as we are given to Christ. Where these are there, and we need to read and study them to stay away from them, this morning is about our betrothal to Christ and what we give in the process. I have been chosen to the bride of Christ and I take it seriously. I have to remember that I am to be devoted to Him, I give my gifts to Him, and I have been made pure and should work to remain that way for Him. I have been betrothed to Christ and I am to love Him and Him alone.

What is your view of your relationship to Christ? Are you only on the receiving end? What if you see it as being betrothed and with that comes devotion, gifts, and purity to Him and Him alone?

Husbands, Focus on the LORD

It is easier said than done. As husbands we have lots of anxieties.

“³³But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, ³⁴and his interests are divided.” – 1 Corinthians 7:33-34a (ESV)

Paul, in speaking to the Corinthians is noting for them that as married men, we are occupied with pleasing our wives. We want them to be well taken care of and sacrifice ourselves for them to be cared for. I was recently given a card by my wife and sons that read in part, “Thank you for always putting your family first.” So we are devoted to them and their well being and worry becomes normalized with them.

I am not saying that we should not be married or find a way out of marriage by any means, and neither does Paul. But, we should turn our focus on the LORD and avoid the anxieties that plague us as men.

“³⁶If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. ³⁷But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. ³⁸So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” – 1 Corinthians 7:36-38 (ESV)

Paul points out that it is good and right if we just stay where we are and focus on the LORD. If that means staying unmarried, even to our betrothed, or being married. We are best to stay in that situation and turn our focus on the LORD and remove our anxieties. We are to remember the LORD and not the things of the world. We have to get our lives in balance with the LORD.

I spend my mornings reading and studying God’s Word. I am intentional about it. It is a wonderful amount of time each day and it really does get me moving in the right direction. And then I move to the things of the world, my wife, my boys, my household, my work, and all other things. But, I have started my day with the LORD and He remains with me the rest of the day guiding me away from the world’s anxieties.

We are not to give up on what the LORD has planned for us. He planned for me and Lori to be together and He blessed us with Bryson and Aarron. I do not wish for a different life at all. I am elated to have what the LORD has given to me. It is up to me to embrace where I am and turn my focus to the LORD daily and allow Him to deal with all that is in the world for me. He will point me where He wants me next, I only need to focus on Him.

Where is your focus? Are you focused on the things of this world and not necessarily on the LORD? What if you were to accept where you are and turn your focus on the LORD and allow Him to deal with the world and point your where He would have you?

Husbands, Stay with Your Wife

This seems like the right thing to do as isn’t that how it was set up in your marriage vows, “til death do us part”. I have come to see that divorce or leaving a spouse seems to be just as common as marriage itself (not really, but seems so). According to The Pew Research Center, around 34% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. The reasons for divorce are different, but think of that percentage, 3 out of ten marriages end in divorce. That is a pretty high number in my book.

“¹⁰To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband ¹¹(but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. ¹²To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. ¹³If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.” – 1 Corinthians 7:10-13 (ESV)

According to God’s Word, Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, husband and wife should stay married. Wives should not separate or divorce from their husbands and likewise the husband should not divorce their wives. Notice that in these four verses there is no exception, in fact Paul does say in verse 11, that there should be reconciliation.

I am speaking to my fellow husbands here. We are to love our wife and stay with them. Even when things seem bleakest between you, there is always room for reconciliation. We have to look backward to see the good. We chose to marry our wife for what we saw in them before. They are still the same as they were, we have likely stopped looking at or for that in them. Look intently for that again to rekindle that which was there at the time of our marriage to our wife.

“¹⁵But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” – 1 Corinthians 7:15 (ESV)

Now, is there cause for separating/divorcing our wife or husband, yes. But even in those times, there is still room for salvation and reconciliation. But, if it is so that the wife is still unbelieving, even throughout and after evangelizing to/with them and they choose to leave, let them go and get back to your focus on the LORD and what He has for you.

Notice that Paul gives a single verse to mention a reason for separation or divorce. Will there be tough times and challenges that befall our marriage, yes. The thing is that with God in our lives and at the center of our marriage, all things can be overcome. Look back to your marriage vows, we agreed to devote ourselves to our spouse and love them through it all. That devotion does not stop when things get a little rougher than we expected them to be. Husbands, stay with you wife through it all and allow God to work.

What does the marriage life look like? Are you in it as long as things are going good? What if you look back at your vows and see that you agreed to stay with your wife (or husband) through it all, so allow God to work in your marriage?

Give Sexual Relations to One Another

This morning I continue to study the word “husband” and have been led to the passage titled “Principles for Marriage” in 1 Corinthians. There is a lot here for both husband and wife, the verses of focus this morning are below which relates to sexual relations in the marriage.

“²But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. ³The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” – 1 Corinthians 7:2-4 (ESV)

Here we see that it is right and just to have sexual relations with your spouse. We see that this is the way to avoid the temptations that arise of sexual relations outside of the marriage. We see that neither husband nor wife have full single authority over there own bodies. But, the one thing I believe that I miss on the regular is that we are to “give” to one another sexual relations.

I hear regularly, whether in person or in society, that husbands and wives go without or hold out sexual relations with one another. This is not biblical at all. Just reviewing the verses above, husbands and wives are to have sexual relations, and not just for the purpose of procreation. They are to have sexual relations to guard one another against sexual immorality. They also provide pleasure to one another and strengthen their relationship.

I go back to the idea missed on the regular by me to “give” sexual relations to the one another. I am going to focus on my husband’s duty of giving with the understanding that the wife has a similar if not exact duty of giving as well. You see, I promised to give myself to Lori over 29 years ago when we stood at the alter to be joined as husband and wife. My life and body are no longer my own as she has a stake in everything that is me. I have a duty to ensure that Lori is taken care of in all areas, physical, emotional, social, as well as sexual. It is my responsibility to provide for her in all ways. I do not withhold emotional support so why would I withhold sexual support.

It is natural for men and women to have sexual desires as God made us for one another. I have given myself to be with Lori as one and that means that what she needs I should provide. When she needs food, it is my duty to provide food. When she needs a hug, it is my duty to provide a hug. When she needs a roof over her head, it is my duty to provide a roof. And, when she needs sexual relations it is my duty to provide her those sexual relations. Lori should not have to look outside our marriage for anything she needs.

Notice the wording and the process. When something is needed by our wife, we are to provide or “give” to her that which is needed. We are not in the business of taking from her. We are in the business of giving to her. Lori should be giving to me just as I am to give to her, but again, neither of us are to take from one another. Yes, the duty is there, but there is no cause for the forceful taking of anything. All should be freely offered to one another, and that goes for sexual relations just as much as anything else. We are “give” to one another everything including sexual relations.

What is your view of sexual relations in your marriage? Are you out there demanding and taking from your spouse? What if you were to instead “give” yourself to one another through duty to one another?

Husbands Wear Your Crown

What a statement. We as husbands are to wear our crown. I will not shy away from that when I consider my crown.

“⁴An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.”

— Proverbs 12:4 (ESV)

See here what is my crown, my wife. And Lori is certainly a/the crown to wear. When we go out, she is the best of me. People think of her before they think of me. I am Mrs. Flisowski’s and/or Lori’s husband in most circles. She is the thing that makes me something in this world.

I find it interesting that Lori is Lori with those that I know, yet I am her husband with those that she knows or who know her. I am the tag along with her and she is the better of me when with me. She is the crown that makes me someone. She is what people see first when they see me, and a beautiful sight she is.

Before you ask, no, everything in our home is not always in order. We do not function in an environment without any conflict. We argue plenty. We even mention to one another and others that we do not always like one another. But the love I have for her and she for me does not quit. She knows that I would do anything for her and I know the same. She is the object of my affection and is rightfully identified as my crown.

What is your wife to you? Is she the woman behind you? What is she was the crown that others see when they see you?